i have been home...

for a month now.
apologize for not writing sooner.

and ask for deeper apologies for not connecting with many of you in the time that i have come back.

reverse culture shock is everything that they say it is and more.
but... i am beginning to slowly get accustomed to things again.
(bus routes, the irony of dishwahers, and fast paced lives)

i miss you. still.

and will write again soon.er.
please text, email, call... theres alot thats about to start happening.

xo

untitled

a very beautifully bronzed brad pitt playing young greek warriar achilles said to a trembling servant of apollo (whose name i thinkwas bresaida ... ) something along the lines of:

you are young.
you will never be as beautiful as you are at this moment.
the gods envy US. why? because...our mortaility makes everything that much more beautiful... that much more appreciative.

i was in a community last week where i was told i would be dropped off and picked up by the ngo that i am working with...
it is 19 kilometers away from one of the official guatemalan borders,
19 kilometers away from the main road.
about 100 kilometers from san salvador
i was called early the next day and told that there would be no car to pick me up...
19 kilometers that i had to walk. to catch 2 different buses for the next 81 km
doable because its a paved road and down hill.
i put on a smile and began to treck.

reaching about 4 kilometers, smile beginning to fade...a car came by. a brother of a farmer in town, coming home after a visit.picked us up, because thats what nice people do in small parts of town... and drove us into the next department, some forty five minutes in, half our trip...

my superviser looked at me, jaw dropped in awe,
when we didnt get charged for our lift and got on the nice bus, that would take us directly to san salvador and said: you were born under a lucky star.

i believe it.
my realizations have been many... and as my journey comes to an end, i need to share with youthe acknowledgement of my luck.
i know that i have been lucky.i know that i have been blessed...
i believe that everyone around me has served a purpose, has ridged me with an experience and a certain knowledge for which i am grateful.
grateful for the opportunity to study that my parents gave me.
grateful that after so many years i have now had the opportunity to meet my cousins, uncles, and culture.
grateful for my strength and power as a woman,
instilled by one of the most beautiful and bold, strong and (althoughsometimes contradictory) peaceful woman that i know, my mother.
i am thankful for having those around me in my life, from friends that have not left my side since fourth grade (jehjoh) to those that i have met this year but have undoubtedly left an impression (sexy asian photographers come to mind)
and i want you to know that without having crossed you in my path i would not be where i am now.
and therefore i am lucky.
lucky to know you, to have the opportunity to love you.
and those with who i have not had contact with in a while, whether it be because we fell off of each othersradar or burnt our ends to a non existence,
i hope that one day our paths will cross and i will have the opportunityto thank you...
for taking care of me, listening when i needed you there, whether you were an old coworker, a friend that i havent talked to in years, a fleeting smile that lasted an introduction or a now exboyfriend...
i am grateful for having met you.
i am lucky to be young, and know that i am not invincible, but rather have a mortality that convinces me that i am blessed.

i come from a country cursed with poverty, violence and an ardent love that is evident in stories of guerilla combatters and poetry in our time of war against the imperialist fascism sometimes crowned: democracy.
i come from a mother that although has suffered
(being away from her mother, bouts of poverty, a culture of chauvinism, to say the least)
has supported me in every adventure that i have thougth indispensible, and shakes me into sense when i really should be slapped.
i have been raised by a wonderful uncle, and although sometimes absent father, both of which i know would give their life for me.
i have helped raise two of the most brattiest, arrogant, thoughtful, loving, ridiculously lazy, happy, proud twins, and am proud to say it.
i am friends with rappers, teachers to be, gorgeous children, incredible ex-bosses (courtnay, danavan, rosalynn, kim,jasmine) farmers, ex boyfriend's cousins, deejays, students, photographers,
compassionate, beautiful, and loving people.

my sisters are black, irish, whiter than cake, and filipino.

i return in two weeks, and for the first time in seven years i will be jobless, i would be lying if i told you that didnt make me nervous (i havent had a source of income for the past 4 months and am now much more in debt than most families of 4)
but it also means that i have the opportunity to continue to grow, to learn, to love.

i want to finish learning how to play the guitar, how to ride a motorcycle, i want my pilots license.
i want to continue to advocate for the rights of children, of women, of those socially excluded in the two countries that i now feel comfortable calling home.

i want to foster children, fight for what i know is right, and begin to blueprint my plans on how i wish to fix the world.

i know that i am not invincible, but james dean once said that we should dream as if we will live forever, and live as if we were going to die today.

dreaming is free, and in a country like canada, i have learned that if you dig far enough, you can make holes big enough to call opportunity... i have had the opportunity to have you in my life...


and if thats how the game works, then i will continue to dream.

so thank you.i know that i have told you, but i will repeat it... i love you all...

late...

its been some time since i have had a minute to write… i apologize.

and so. including today I have I think 26 days left… and all I can assure u is that I have never been this anxious in my life.
the thought of a city of angles … to quote equinox…of the lack of coconut trees… of not having cousins, aunts, and roosters… (rather strange that I group them together but their level of importance in my life at the moment is huge.) is enough to send me into panic attacks, so I try not to think of it, and when I do this I am continuously taken by surprise by how beautiful the chaotic blend of sunsets, landscapes and jungle of people and vehicles can be…

and then….
there is work, that I feel like I am nowhere near complete, but am also resigning to the thought that I will never feel complete because honestly I do not want to leave…
I think that the process of learning is neverending and I am sure that this will continue, regardless, I cannot help but feel like it’s the last 26 days of everlasting…

…in the past week I have visited Morazan, had laser eye surgery, gotten to know my father, my country and my patience…
I have fallen in love with the story of a radio broadcast during the war…
read and reread Roque Dalton poems feelin welcomed into the warmth of words..
driven to both extremes of the country..
had anecdotes from the war told to me by Sebastian from los Torogoces, a guerilla makeshift band that held guitars in one hand, and arms in the next…
gotten lost/frustrated/happy/upset/anxious/calm/melancholic/nervous/tired endless amount of times…

and thought of you.
I will see you soon… too soon, and too far at the same time…
xo

it's been a minute

to say the least.
my days have been busy, filled with twins, blue eyed besties, and my mother...
i took a week off work to make sure i could get enough of a dosage of it all only to end up feelin the strangest feeling of being alone. it had not really hit me how much i miss the ones that are closest to me until i had some of them here and had to face leaving them again.
it also made me realize that i have a very short/long time left here, depending how you look at it.
i love it. absolutely in love with the people, with my family, with my work and with what i am finding myself capable of. i dont want to leave, and it makes me sad to think that it is a reality i probably will never again experience with the coming of 'development'...this makes it a very short time.
but then i think of u.
and i start having daydreams of everything we will do when i come home...
i have conversations with heather about halloween plans. and realize how ridiculous it is, but am absolutely sure that it is a symptom.
i am diagnosing myself as homesick.
there is no real treatment. just a cure.
and as sick as i am.. i dont know how quickly i want this remedy.

which makes me feel hopelessly confused.
i have music now (it is great to have personal dj's ).... thank you.
you have aided in my nostalgia.
i have paintings from wonderful artists, my girlies are growing up to be incredible ladies...
thank you.
i have had birthday gifts (i havent taken off my new tops... unless it is to wash them, sandra and marilyn.... love u!)
endless endless.. ENDLESS... birthday wishes, which makes me miss you, love you even more than i thought possible.
and. seriously. a luggage case FULL OF SCHOOL SUPPLIES.
i am back at work. but u can be assured that you are in my thoughts...
i will write soon.
i promise.
xo
- c

i ve been meaning to write. but the overflow of emotions cannot be funneled into any mold that resembles logic.
so i have chosen not to. not to funnel, but to let u know all the levels of feelings.
for the past two weeks i have fought with doctors after a child breaks open his head...blood everywhere. i am told to tell his pregnant mom to carry him to the next town. cars cant get into ours. i have had a steady participation level in my groups, theyve grown. to ridiculous sizes, i have 22 in my youngest group, 15 in my oldest, and 23 in my tweens. quite impossible? nah. hectic fun. learning through understanding. laughs. and a shit load of spelling mistakes.
i have found paradise.
ironically in an environment that i cannot manipulate.

and yet, i find that i miss subway rides for the brief moment of solitude in the most public of places. i miss the bark of my dog welcoming me. the ability of being able to say i can help, and doing so.

i am finding happiness in ducks, babies first words including "nena", multiple shades of green creating rooftops of leaves, stars, hammocks, cold riverbreak baths at dawn, and hearing ure voice.

i am gettin frustrated with being told that i am too far for any sort of ambulance, that help doesnt reach places like 'that', of hearing mockery of 'civilization' and my community being far from it.

no let me tell u something.
one of the ladies that lives the farthest... i mean 45 mn downhill... and then 15 up again to where she is, got bitten by a snake.. in exactly 1.5 hours the whole community knew. she WALKED for 2. 5 hours before hitching a ride to the hospital. (did i mention shes pregnant) .in the 1.5 hours, the community organized food for her children, the men told her husband, covered his shift at the water project, took care of his crops and helped him hitch a ride to visit her. when she returned four days later, she KNEW that everything was goin to be taken care of.



our level of civilization is primitive, survival of the fittest, is backwards.

my family comes next week. IF YOU CAN. i would LOVE for you to please collect your nice and SMALL teddy bears, i NEED more school supplies - think pencils, sharpners, pens... etc.
i miss, miss, miss... music.
if you know me, you knw that i love things that are dedicated. music that reminds you of me, made for me, or in one way or another connects me to you...
think bonnie tylers total eclipse of the heart, aideen... irene caras wat a feeling, nylda...
i do miss, talib, erykah, zaki, tumi, arowbe, tlc, the killers, nas, al greene, jill, floetry, jaguar wright, the verve pipe, gwen, regina spektor, aaliyah, music.

send me some...
get at my moms.. 647 284 2130


and for ESTEFANIE!! its about time ma!!!!!!! sooooo happy for u! i wnat an invite with a veggie plate.
i come back the 26, of october ... cant wait to see u all!

realizations..............

realizations include the wonder of friendships, how i can visualize rougey irish cheeks turning up into a smile to try to getme out of an emotional ditch. something only a girlfriend that shared metallic lipstick with me in grade nine could really do.

i hear about our diverse group going to sneaky dees, about new cars, caribana costumes, summer plansof cousins that are not mine, but i will always love like they were family and i smile as life continues without my physical presence in the land of the dot.(something that my egotistical lil brain could not even fathom before i left!)

i miss you guys. immensely. my heart breaks as i try in vain to call you all. i have an image of my soulmate serving patio tables to aristocratic fools at milestones, of my big sister standing behind a counter at noahs jumping on her toes, wishin she was dancing.

imagine.

not sure why i chase realities so different, why i love it there so much, but am never full, never quite satisfied...to come bask here and feel the incredible void that is all of you.

realizations include that i will probably continue to do this.jeopardizing opportunities for a personal life in the search for some order in the mess of the world.che guevara had asthma, i could deal with the constant wheezing. as long as they are not full of dengue, i can handle the ridiculous amounts of mosquito bites.i could survive the pain of not being with you, as long as i can continue to hear the pure giggle of a toddler when i wake up.

i know where i am in my life. i have shed my skin of awkwardness and am stepping into a zone where the lines between comfort and discomfort are slurred by children's laughter. i feel young, invincible. i fight complacency, and refuse to yearn for companionshipin a search for a love that i now realize that i cannot find in another individual. i push the pause button on my personal life, with tthe further realization that everything will come in due time. with the knowledge that my girls are a phone call away, and that i willalways have arms to turn to.

realizations include that i have a large, beautiful family. that love to spoil me, hug me, kiss me. that i can find comfort late at nightin the bed and large bosom of an aunt i have met twice in the past month. that i am known. i am loved.

i am slowly beginning to realize my role here, and i am excited to share with my virgin love that is the copinoles what i know about 'development'. what i know about consumerism, (thoughts of shoes fill my head), globalization and the economic and emotional impactof the search for the american dream. i have three groups right now. 5-11 are my kids, 12-15 my tweens and 16-19 are a group of wonderful men that travel to come meet once a week. next week i start community organziation meeting with the moms. i am learning to advocate with the community for advancements in kichens, outhouses. for the need for water all year round. for support in their cropsduring the dry winter.

so i realize that you will do you, take care of yourself, love yourself like i love u. know that i miss you, that i am cheering you on.

in all your endeavours. know that awkward stages of "idontknows" will past, that friendships last longer than relationships,and that i want to continue to be part of your life.so dont forget to call me. write. love me.
i miss you all, but.

i realize that for now. i am neither there, nor am i lost. i have found what i was looking for. i am here, now.
xo. - c.